Leaning Out

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.  Soul searching, weighing of pros & cons, praying, flipping coins, dreaming.  But I haven’t really been talking about it.  Sure, I sought advice from mentors, family & friends, but mostly this was a personal struggle ... journey... choice ... that I needed to work my way through.  In this “lean in” era, I feared what people would think of me walking away from a career that I had worked so hard to build.  I was actually quite proud of how well I had been able to balance it all up until this point, so would walking away look like I was laying down and giving up? 

But then a few months ago I read this quote from Bob Goff in his book “Love Does” and it really resonated with me:  “I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I’m more afraid of succeeding at things that don’t matter.”  It hit me in the gut.  I realized that I was spending too much of my time trying to succeed at something that – deep down at my core – didn’t really matter to me, at least not in the grand scheme of my life.

At the same time Randall and I also started talking about how we want our time in Geneva to be the best thing that could have happened to our girls.  A time for them to explore different cultures, learn a new language, and expand our horizons together as a family   We don't want it to be a time where Randall and I are both working so much that we never get to see our girls and they end up being raised by a nanny that we don’t even know, and we don’t really get a chance to take advantage of all that living abroad has to offer.

I have dreamed of being able to spend more time with Kenzie & Lexi.  Of being able to drop them off and pick them up from school, hearing about their days first hand.  Of not always feeling that I am rushed (or rushing them).  I have also dreamed of having more quality time with Randall.  Time to actually talk & enjoy each other, not having to worry about a late night conference call or preparing for an early morning meeting.  I have also dreamed about doing something more creative professionally.  Of turning my love for design, or party planning or photography into a career.  I am not sure if I will be good at ANY of these things, and maybe that is why I have avoided them for so long.  It has been much easier, far less risky, to continue on the path that I know … that I am “good” at. 

People have often said to me, “You’re so creative.  You should quit your job and become an interior design/party planner/stationary designer.”  The thing is, am I really good?  Or am I good considering that I also have a more-than-full-time finance job and do this stuff between 10pm and 2am?  Am I good enough to actually be able to turn these hobbies into a career? Good enough to be able to compete with the thousands of other people who are so much more creative and talented than I am?  There are so many questions and so much self doubt. 

But you know what?  I have decided to take that leap into the unknown.  Because in the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take.  What I do know is that I will love spending more time with my girls while they still want to spend time with me.  What I do know is that I will love having the time to really explore Geneva, learn French and plan lots of adventures for our family.  What I do know is that I have many different business ideas brewing in my head, and I will finally have the time to turn one of those into reality.  

And so I say, I am not “leaning out," I am “leaning in” to what my gut tells me is right for me and our family ... to ensure that I am succeeding at something that really matters to me.